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The "Worst Award Speech" Award Speech

The rationale behind award acknowledgment orations has, for as long as the oldest memories stretch, been to bestow upon the receiver not only the prize of money and renown, but also that of the possibility to guide into enduring slumber everyone present at the momentous occasion. In accordance with tradition, I shall hastily and without delay attempt to direct every woman, every man, every girl, every boy, every dog, every cat, and every other representative of both the animate and the inanimate worlds, of every age, of every gender (if applicable), of every religion, of every size, of every intelligence, of every nationality, and of every other attribute or status into the blissful and serene state, or some according analog thereof, known to humankind for many eons simply as sleep. Allow me to add a brief note: had I not paid due attention to you in my inexcusably abbreviated foregoing enumeration, I would like to beg your kind and goodhearted pardon prostrated before you, embracing our suffering, patient planet, which had taken many insults and neglects far exceeding my inconsiderate omission, for, had I striven as I ought to miss no one, had I fully catalogued my long-suffering audience, I would have sentenced both you, my tolerant listener, and myself to undignified and untimely demise without ever hearing the glorious conclusion of this discourse.

I endeavor to make the receiving of this award not the supreme and most glorious point of my profession as a writer of rancid award acceptance addresses, but only a catalyst for the outrageously astonishing escalation of my eminence and expertise in meticulously fashioning shoddy speeches. An eminent philosopher, who would certainly be mortified to hear of his name articulated, as he shall, in the worst oration of out time, Dr. Blabberbane, has put the same idea much more succintly and brilliantly: "Never, be it on the post-experience continuum, or in the perceiving state, or on the yet-unperceived portions of the time-probability gamut, ought a metaphysical entity to relinquish potential perception of a portion of their image in the downstream segment of the temporal-possibility vortex." Following his inspired counsel, I shall firmly discount the physical necessity of eliminating the multidimensional character of the imminent portions of temporal flow, and proceed to consider all aspects of the gamut, among them the aspiration to effect the homily that obtained me this superb token of ecognition to become, indeed, a mere shadow of rhetoric in contrast with the dazzlingly shining stars of ennui and word-weariness that are to follow in its wake.

Estimating from the current manifestation of the presumed occupant of the seventh accommodation of the eighteenth row in this auditorium, I have not achieved my expectations, and you, my truly worthwhile and obdurate colleague in person-exasperation, are still alertly focused on this exhilarating sermon, determined to corroborate that I do not possess the talent which this prize seeks to reward, that this, and my preceding creations of discourse, far surpassed by the present lecture, are my worst nightmares - orations that some self-respecting creature may have articulated in complete solemnity, that this work of mine, and all others, are sacrileges against the glorious art of poor speechwriting. My slumbering addressees, renounce your apprehensions nonetheless, for I shall appoint as my sole rationale in further existence the task of persuading tete-a-tete our wakeful spectator to take a siesta in the course of the larger portion of my consequent address.

This essay is Copyright (C) 2000 Alexey Spiridonov. All rights reserved.

If this did not put you to sleep fast enough, here is a shorter version.

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