The rationale behind award acknowledgment orations has, for as long as the oldest memories stretch, been to bestow upon the receiver not only the prize of money and renown, but also that of the possibility to guide into enduring slumber everyone present at the momentous occasion. In accordance with tradition, I shall hastily and without delay attempt to direct every woman, every man, every girl, every boy, every dog, every cat, and every other representative of both the animate and the inanimate worlds into the blissful and serene state, or some according analog thereof, known to humankind for many eons simply as sleep.
I endeavor to make the receiving of this award not the supreme and most glorious point of my profession as a writer of rancid award acceptance addresses, but only a catalyst for the outrageously astonishing escalation of my eminence and expertise in meticulously fashioning shoddy speeches. The homily that obtained me this superb token of recognition shall indeed become a mere shadow of rhetoric in contrast with the dazzlingly shining stars of ennui and word-weariness that are to follow in its wake.
If I have not achieved my expectations, and you are still alertly focused on this exhilarating sermon, then I do not possess the talent which this prize seeks to reward, then my preceding creations of discourse, far surpassed by the present lecture, are my worst nightmares - orations that some self-respecting creature may have articulated in complete solemnity, then this work of mine, and all others, are sacrileges against the glorious art of poor speechwriting. Perform according to my copious urgings now, preclude yourself the embarrassment of witnessing the worst speech ever made being declared amenable, avoid seeming the worst of all evils - a malicious listener caring only to embarrass the orator, and simultaneously proclaiming himself courteous and attentive, escape the tight grasp of Satan and enter the blissful heaven of sleep.